Dear Jenna,

Well, here I go, offically making the change from blogging to Auntie Karen, my sis – as I have done so in the last 74 blogs since she passed in January 2021 – to now officially blogging to you Jenna, my 19 year daughter.

How fun knowing that one day you will find these blogs.  The history of your mom.   You may actually find them now, but my thought is that most 19 year old girls are not that interested in reading about older ladies haha especially their mom.  That is why I absolutely love documenting parts of my life.  You have a “reflection” of my life – a piece of me in my writting.   Because one day, I will die.  And you will find yourself clinging to every letter, every picture and every story told.   So if you are not reading this now, that is ok.  As I believe there is a time and a place for everything.

I am so fortunate because I have many hand written letters from my mom – most of them dated 1988 and 1989 –  as I left Ottawa, and was working in Jasper.  My mom died when I was 25 and she was 58.   In the earlier years after she passed, often on a Friday night, I would pour myself a glass of wine and read the letters, well into the evening.  Jenna, I hope you do the same one day.  I also want you to share these with your cousins, Carter and Samantha, as many of the stories I wrote,  include their mom.

Jenna, our trip last October to Ottawa and Montreal, was so very special.   The “official” celebration of life for Auntie Karen.  Considering she passed in the heart of COVID, it was time for us to all get together.  We, the family, kept the celebration, to a small group.   We could have easily invited dozens, actually 100’s.  And please trust me when I say, we would have loved to have had everyone there.  But our family very much needed this time.   We choose to keep it small – 45ish – and it was perfect.

When Auntie Karen was alive, we did celebrate her 50th birthday however I kept calling it a “Celebration of HER life,” with her in attendance.   She could no longer speak (maybe a wisper) hardly move, and could no longer eat.   Karen knew – we all knew – that she was dying.   I will always have the vision of seeing family, friends, co-workers, all lined up, while my sister sat in her wheelchair, getting hugs and listening to so many stories.  People just wanted to tell her how much she meant to them.

Prior to the event, many spoke to me about the guilt they carried for not visiting Karen over the last ten years, while she was in the hospital  – I had conversations around this with several people.  I would listen and say, “It’s ok, please come, just being there now, that is all that is important.”  In that room, there were over 200 people and there was absolutely NO judgement, only love.  And this is what I want for so many.

The evening before the official Celebration of Life just last October, family and friends, gathered at my brother’s house.   One of my favorite moments was when all the “kids” – nieces, nephews and partners – and you Jenna – were all dowstairs.    It was a moment I will never forget.  Watching you, and all, put together these pic boards with all the beautiful pictures of Auntie Karen.

While the “kids” were downstairs creating the picture board, many of us were upstairs drinking Karen’s favorite drink by toasting with Rum & Diet Coke (that was Auntie Karen’s “drink” in her teens and 20’s  – yes yuck for many (including me) but we drank one for her, oh and the good old Canadian Caesar  – that she loved –  and my brother is a master at Caesar making, “Don’t forget the pickle juice” he will say to me 🙂  We had a very late night and yes there were shots involved.   I don’t think I have stayed up till 3:30am in 25ish years haha it was “one of those nights, one of those crazy old nights.” Karen, it was a night that I know you would have so loved.

 

Christmas was perfect.  I was just so grateful to be on the Island, in Nanoose, staying in my friend Wendy’s home.    Jenna, it was good to have you close at your dad’s and spend some time with you.   I was also able to get a hike or two in with my Island ladies.  It was a simple, zero rushing around, I was in nature and I was surrounded by people I love.

In January, I flew to Edmonton for a couple of days, where I had meetings with my new team from across Canada.   I am really enjoying my new position, and I really like my new team.  Good humans.  We had some productive meetings and of course always some fun on a corporate company work trip – we got to play unlimited video games in the West Edmonton Mall, and play pool till midnight 🙂   I have been with Gordon Food Service (GFS) now for 18 years – and 4 months ago,  I started in a new position.  I am grateful for the change.

In February, we as a Province celebrated Family Day (a holiday weekend in BC) It was extra special as I got to share it with you Jenna and Carter and Shyama.   You and I hit the slopes (that really was a special evening)  the hot tub and really just hung out.  Oh and those delicious caesar’s that may have tasted better than my brothers haha THESE moments, having you kids with me, are so very special.

I am currently on the Sunsine Coast, in Sechelt  – here for 18 days.  A friend of a friend, asked me to look after his ridiculously adorable little Frenchton named Lola.  I am loving my time – and walks – in this neighbourhood.  The view is spectacular.  It has been very therapeutic and I am feeling inspired in so many ways.

On Sunday evening from 7pm – 9pm, I went to a local church – St. John’s United Church – as there was a gathering relating to MAID (Medical Assistance in Dying) 9 individuals shared their strories.  It was a full room and that made me happy.  Conversations being held about End Of Life – YOUR personal choice to end your life.   I sat next to an 88 year old man, who shared stories about when his wife died, and how she left this world via MAID. He talked about his new wife (they met at a grief counselling session – I know sooo sweet, I loved that so much) he said they both agreed that is was their “ex’s” who had just passed who orchastrated their entire meeting – and I agreed 🙂

When I share with people I am an End Of Life Doula, most have not heard of this.  Many have heard of a Birth Doula, but not a Death Doula.  Fear of Death is the # 1 fear in this world.   I don’t want people to be afraid to die.   And I don’t want people to treat death like it is an option.  It’s not.  I want Death to be a postive conversation.   I want people to die well, and live well.   To learn from each other.  To suppport each other.  To talk about fears.  About guilt.  About regrets.  About FORGIVENESS!!!  That is a big one.   There is just so much information to be shared and support that is needed around Death and Dying.  I feel like it is my life’s purpose to be part of this movement.

I will admit, that I have some fear around this, second guessing myself, “Can I do this ?”  But I truly believe that yes I can.  I believe that all of my life experiences have brought me to this place.   I am exactly where I am supposed to be.

Death came into my life at a very early age.  My dad died when I was 23 (he was 57) and my mom died when I was 25 (she was 58) I remember my brother, sister and I caring for our mom, in our family home.   She was so thin.  I was so scared.  Trying to sleep at night and the sounds of her moan from her bedroom.  I would get up in the middle of the night, “Mom, are you ok ? What can I do ?” She was trying to tell me her mouth was dry, so I would get ice cubes and put them in her mouth.  Dying is a very intimate experience.  And these moments should not be missed by fear and or the unknown.

It wasn’t just with my mom (and dad who had a heart attack on the golf course) whom I experienced Death with…..when I was in my 30’s, two of my bestest and would have been life ling friends, Erin (we were roomates in our 20’s) and Bernie (the MC at my wedding and the one I jumped out of a plane with when I was 26) how it felt to be with them, at the end of their life.    My sister Karen, who was in the hospital for ten years.  The journey that we as a family, Karen as a patient, had over the many years (thank goodness I had my brother and of course JP)  it was quite the journey.   One of the many reasons I know there is such a need for an End of Life Doula.  My childhood friend Cheryl, who left this world so brave – she was super special to me  –  and of course, beautiful Jayka, who left this world via MAID in June 2023.    I was honored when she asked for me to arrive a couple of days pre and be her Doula during the process.  I also know how valuable my 20 years of volunterring with Make A Wish – interviewing families and granting wishes – for children with Life Threatening Illnesses is going to add to my “portfolio”.

So yes, I can do this !!!!  I am going to work through my fears, and know that I AM good enough to be part of this movement.   I have actually invested in a course via Doulagivers Institute – the founder Suzanne O’Brien is so knowledgable – and I highly recommend checking out her site and listening to some podcasts – you will learn so much.  I also completed the Death Doulas course in the Spring of 2021 via Douglas College – teacher was Tracy Chalmers – the entire experience was so beautiful.  Grateful to both these ladies for all they do.

What a journey.

I am on month 19 of my two year “local nomad” life gig.   I have to admit, I am feeling pretty darn proud of myself for living without a permant home for almost 2 yeasrs.  What an experience.  I have loved every single moment.   However,  I have made a decision to move back into my house on August 15th.   It has actually taken me a couple of months or so to really think about what I wanted.  I was seriously considering doing one more year.   But I feel that yes, I do want a home base.  When I was trying to make my decision, I could hear Jayka, my friend who has recently passed, saying to me, “Sit with the decision, and ask yourself, how does it make you feel.”  I would tell her it feels “light” and “good”.  I would tell her I feel “peace” when I think about moving back into my home.  And she would say, “It sounds like you have your answer.”  Thank you Jayka, I still feel you with me  xo

THANK YOU to all who continue to share this journey with me.  Jenna I love you so very much.

And to you Karen, I love and miss you every single day.   How different life would be, if I had my sister.

Kathy xo

Sharing some pics from over the last so many months…..

Birthday Celebration – fun day / evening xo

 

 

A few of the spectacular views….

 

More pics of the special pups who have been and are in my life these last few months, many now regulars 🙂