Dear Sis,

I read this quote a couple of weeks ago….

“The sooner in life you realize that you gain more from feeling your way through than thinking your way through,  the better life is and the more you can achieve.”

A little bit of a segway into me telling you that I am so sorry I have not written to you since April !!!   It is not because I had nothing to say, it is actually the opposite.  I always have so much to say…and that is because I AM always feeling my way through life xo

Many years ago, I started practicing a very special way of moving in this world.    When I would walk or be at home, I listened to hours and hours of audio tapes on fear, self doubt, joy, The Law of Attraction, deliberate creation, relationships, jealously, love, intimacy, vulnerability….” You name it, I listened to it.  This was my form of meditating.  This was my way of getting to know and love my inner self.    These last so many years have been presented to me exactly when I needed them.  I am so very grateful.

Sure every so often I may find myself going down that path of how I describe, “A yucky feeling”  cause really that is all it is to me now.  I now recognize this and if I feel it trying to creep into me, I just don’t allow it.  I say, “Fuck off, go away.”   I may not be able to control circumstances that take place in my life but I can certainly control how I react to them.

Last week I interviewed an 8 year old boy for Make A Wish.   Initially, when his mom asked him what he wanted for a wish, he responded, “I want no one in this world to have any pain.”     This morning, I came across this picture.  I thought about the physical pain that I had in my early 20’s.    This picture was the start of my journey to ensure that I felt no more pain.  That I took the responsibility to always feel good.   I went 25 years – as the doc said I am only 1% – with no pain and no additional surgery.  Mind and body connection.  It is a must, a gift we must give ourselves –  especially as we age.   Happiness and connecting with people kept me well.

In this picture, I was 29 years old, living in Taiwan.  Two years prior I had major surgery for Crohn’s disease.    Pre surgery mom and dad had just died.    I remember when you, Brian and I were clearing out mom’s room, I found all these hand written notes that mom had written about Crohn’s disease.  “What is the cause, what can you eat, how can this progress……”.  There was so much advice being given to me at that time but post surgery, I got on that plane thinking to myself, “I want to live my best life!!!”    I believe that mom and dad were walking next to me as I boarded that plane, dad whispering in my ear, ” ENJOY your life Kathy.  Don’t take anything too seriously.”

I will never not be happy.  I know you feel the same way Karen.   That is why you are still with us.  You have aways loved life.  It is going on 19 years since you were diagnosed with Multiple System Atrophy (MSA).   Tomorrow, I have a virtual meeting with the Board of Directors for the MSA Chapter in Canada.   I always look forward to joining these calls.   If we can support,  offer hope and love to one another, I am all for it.

It is interesting knowing the background of so many people who are affect by this disease.   It just seems so unbelievable Karen that we have been on this journey for the last 20 years.  Ten years ago a doctor told us you were not going to make it to Christmas.

I recall  in your late 30’s, when you started having symptoms.  Suddenly your arm would just hang.   Brian called it your “dead arm.”   It would not move until your mind told it to.  You started to limp.  You started to fall down.   I remember you saying to me, “When I read about what is going to happen to me in my future – how I won’t be able to eat, walk, talk or move – It freaks me out !!!”  So now I don’t know in your head, if you are freaked out or if you have found some peace.  My hope is, that you have found some peace.  My hope is that by me staying connected, I can help you even just a little in your day.

Karen, it warmed my heart so much that Cindy wanted to join my call on Friday.    She has been another bestie to me for years.     As you know when your kids came out West – a few times – to visit Auntie Kathy, we all stayed with Cindy.       After our call she sent me a text saying, “I’m so emotional right now 🙁 I just want to go there and take her.”   So many of us are on this journey with you Karen.   I hope you know how much you are loved xo

It was heartbreaking to hear about the COVID outbreak on your floor.    So pleased when Brian told me that your second test was negative.  I know you will not let this disease get you !!!   I am also so grateful to Amanda (HI AMANDA) who works at St. Vincent’s hospital.  She is a Unit Support Worked (hired to help during COVID)  and has offered to read you my blogs.  Amanda, knowing my sister cannot have any visitors, you reading her stories and/or keeping her company means the world to me.  From the bottom of my heart, thank you so much.

It is so important for us to all stay connected to you Karen as much as we can.     If there is one thing that I ask everyone to do is to see you as the beautiful person -inside and out – that you are xoxox

Karen, there are always so many moments in my life when I talk about you.   Last night I was  over at my friend Wendy’s house.    A few weeks ago her brother died.  Car accident. Tragic.    As we age these are the heartaches we will endure.   There is nothing so very sad as losing someone you love.  We are all going to be faced with so many adversities, life challenges and unknowns.    My friend Wendy  has found her “knowing” and a bit of comfort via a radio, a cover, a light and Dragonflies.   It is so beautiful when we can still feel the presence of someone after they pass.  May we all be all surrounded by Dragonflies xo

Well sis I have so much more to say.  But I very much wanted to get this off to you as I have started so many blogs to you and I have not finished – for so many reasons – sorry !!!

I promise to revisit each one and get them out to you.

I love you sis,

Kathy xo

ps.

Below are a few pics / highlights and moments from summer 2020 xoxo

 

Karen, the video below makes me laugh.   I let Jenna get behind the wheel to practice driving.  Do you remember when dad would take us out to drive in an empty parking lot ???    Well this was me letting my daughter drive for the first time 🙂

And the following video are some highlights from our road trip – Jenna and I drove to the Rockies this summer because we had to postpone our trip to you 🙁 anyhow I hope you enjoy seeing some highlights thank you Amanda for showing her these !!!