Dear sis,

This week has been a little challenging.   I keep finding myself laughing, crying, focused, not focused,  never ending up and down emotions.

I arrived home late Sunday night and on Monday morning, Kel dropped off Jenna.   She and I had an hour or so to chat pre school.

We were both exhausted, so yes a little emotional, as she had just finished two weeks of dance and festivals.  I could also tell she really missed me.

At the beginning of our conversation she started off by saying,”Mama, I read your blog regarding the phone.  You have been lying to me.  I am really mad.  I am not to sure when I will be able to forgive you”. “Oh and I also saw in your blog that you swore.”  ….ooops 🙂

I started to talk about my experiences with the kids at the orphanage.   Suddenly, with excitement I said, “I cannot wait to take you there for your 16th birthday!!!”  Well she  responded,”I think where I want to go on my birthday should be my decision.  I may want to go to Europe.”  And so, the independence of a teen begins.

There was a lot packed in to our one hour conversation.   Girlfriends – who is being nice or mean to who,  boys – yup crushes are starting,  high school – fear and excitement around this.

I was really trying my best to be present and to not think about those sunsets in Canggu.  But suddenly these words escaped me…..

“Is there any possible way that I could talk you into travelling the world with me for one year and I would home school you?”

Her response,”OMG Mama, I have a life here.  I can’t just get up and go!”

When I feel a wobble in my life,  I always reach out to Don, my ex father in law.  I married his son Colin when I was 27.  He has remained a constant father figure in my life.

The other night, when he and I were on the phone,  I started telling him how I was feeling.  He is always so supportive and loves talking in detail, like I do 🙂  He always asks about Jenna.  I told him all about our Monday morning conversation.   When I mentioned her comment about not wanting to travel the world with me and why, he laughed and responded…

“Well we all know who the grounded one is, in that relationship”.   🙂 

He actually is right.  It is Jenna who keeps me grounded.    As you know sis, I was on the move for many years.   I moved from Ottawa to Jasper (twice)  to Whistler to Vancouver to Taiwan to Thailand back to Vancouver and now Vancouver Island.  I did not have Jenna till I was 37.  You remember, I was told I could never have kids.

So yes, the last 11 years have been on Vancouver Island.  I have truly enjoyed raising Jenna in Nanaimo.  It took me years before I allowed myself to really like it here.   I actually think I started enjoying it more as soon as I let go and trusted that everything is happening exactly as it should.

I have always said, once you feel at peace with your inner being and trust that everything is going to work out, you start to let go of  fear.  Let go of resistance.  Just let it all be.  Go with the flow.

I am also finding that I don’t want to put much energy into people who are in a different place than me.   And that is OK.  Let people be where they are.

When I surround myself by like minded people, it is really fun.  Because we all understand.  We are all in a place where there is no going back.  Once you know and live like this, everything in your world will be perceived in a different way.  It is truly beautiful.

After my conversation with Don, especially knowing that I told him I am “wobbling”,  I knew there would be a follow up e-mail  from his wife Marilyn.  She has become a surrogate mom to me, and a Tutu to Jenna.

Here is her note….

I can understand you feeling as you do!

1. You arrive home and schedule your work return the very next day to dive into it. That is a tight schedule.
2. Your trip home took you about two days of exhaustive travel
3. You can’t move to Bali or Mexico – you have Jenna
4. Everyone feels a letdown after a vacation
5. You are in good health
6. Who knows you may even have a date in the near future

Is that not the best note ?  Love her and all the support she gives me.  I agree with it all, except for # 3.  By me disagreeing with this one, it does not mean that I am moving Bali or MX,  but to say you “can’t” is so not true.

What I know for sure, is that only I know what I want, for my life.    What works for one person or even 80% of people,  doesn’t necessarily mean that their way is my way.  It’s about knowing yourself.  Asking the hard questions.

I really don’t have all the answers today.  But it is so good to live everyday believing that everything is always going to work out.  Life just gets more fun each day.   When I turned 50 in Bali, it was all about making it to this stage.   How fun to arrive knowing what we know !!!

My parents died in their 50’s and everyday my sister reminds me how short life can be.

Today, I was standing in a line and there was a lady behind me.     She was beautiful and was wearing this gorgeous fashionable blue turban head cover.

When she told her two young boys to go sit down on the couch,  I said, “Two boys, you are a busy lady.”  She responded, “Yes very busy as I actually have 5 boys.   And my husband is always away on business so I have lots to manage.”  When I asked their ages, she thought I asked her age.  She responded 36.   So when I asked again the ages of her boys, she said, “Grade 1, 3, 4, 7 and 8.”

The reason why I decided to share that story is because after my conversation with her I started thinking.  “Everyone has a story”.   Some lives are busier than others.   Many seek companionship, others solitude.  Some live in fear others in acceptance.    But what we all have in common is the ability to expand.    Personal growth and passion are crucial for me in my life.   So this is something I seek daily.  Once does not have to loose the feeling of stability to expand.

Sis, as you know, Jenna and I will be in Ottawa in a couple of weeks.  I am looking so forward to celebrating Easter and your 53rd birthday !!!!

Oh and I can’t wait to tell you all my juicy details from my trip to Bali….tee hee !!!

I love you sis,

See you soon !!!!

Kathy xo