Dear Sis,

I am blogging about something that is very personal to most.  Self love, self image, acceptance and vulnerability.   All rolled into one.

There are many emotions felt when you think of these words.  Try it.  Think of each one slowly.   Often, people will live a full life, never really acknowledging the level they are at for each one.  We all go through so many different stages in our lives.  In each stage, it is so important to keep evolving.   Every living thing must grow.  Therefore, at different times in your life, it is good to check in with all these.  Really think about where you are at with yourself.

I have so many things I want to blog about.  So much has happened in the last 2 months. I am a bundle of emotions.   I even cried last week !!!

Of course it all started with my three weeks in Bali, aaaaaaahhhhh.  I then got to go to  Ottawa, my hometown for meetings and I got to see my family.   At the last minute I decided to bring Jenna with me.   Sis that was so special when JP  brought you to the lobby of the hotel where I stayed for two of the nights.   I was so happy that you got to meet some of my BC work peeps !!!   We had Easter brunch and we got to celebrate your birthday.   My time with you is always so special.   You amaze me sis.

I just returned from a girl weekend in Seattle.  My wonderful girlfriends booked a gorgeous condo downtown Seattle for three nights to celebrate a couple of 50’s in the group.  It was truly a remarkable weekend.  I came home feeling truly blessed to have such beautiful souls in my life.

There really is truth in how fun life can be when you change your energy.   As soon as you start to feel self love, awareness of who you are and knowing that tomorrow is promised to no one, you feel different and the world reacts differently to you.

I had an experience on the plane to Ottawa.   As I was waiting at the back of the plane for the restroom,  I started chatting with the 3 flight attendants.   I could not believe it when one of the ladies, Jackie, told me that her husband Mark was diagnosed with MSA.  The two of us shared many details.  We have both never met anyone else who has this disease.  It was so nice to support each other.

Karen, Jackie was telling me how her husband is starting to loose his balance.  How they just spent $10,000 putting in wheelchair ramps at home.  It was all so familiar.  When one of the other flight attendants turned to me and said, “You two were so meant to meet each other!!”  I looked at her and said, “Yes, I know we were.  That is how my world works.”

So yes, I am finding myself more tuned in with whom I am.   My priorities have changed.  I  will always give of myself, I just need to take care of me first.   Personal time is crucial for me.  This is my year to say no and not worry about what anyone thinks.

One really needs to move into this kind of place.  You don’t just arrive.  It’s a journey.  That is why I always say, “Do as much as you can now.”  Even if it is just going for a walk alone. Start general.  But do things for you, that make you happy.    Make you feel good.  Feel light.  You control how you feel.  Once you start feeling good all the time, you want to stay in this place.  And when you wobble, you know how to find your way back.

When it comes to self image, it actually all begins with self love.  Actually everything begins with self love.  Once you figure that out life becomes a lot easier.   It will all flow.  Forward.   Vulnerability.  Shame.  Self awareness.   All this and more brings you right back to self love.

Self image is such a sensitive topic.   But it’s a topic for all of us.  “The idea one has of one’s abilities, appearance and personality.”  It is interesting when you think of these and relate them to yourself.  How does one really feel.  It is usually not easy for most.

I supported a girlfriend who lost 140lbs.  I have also witnessed a stunning, very thin girlfriend of mine say, “If I could only loose another 10lbs.”

I have only recently started being 100% comfortable in my body.  Like anyone, we all have our “area”.  Some don’t like their ass or their legs, my area has always been my waist.   My  “insecure” area.

It is only recent, that I started asking myself why.

In school, I was never the skinniest or the heaviest girl.  But I do recall  being a little self conscience to make sure I didn’t look fat in what I was wearing.   I was also tall, so I was always the one standing in the back row for pics.   I can still remember the cute little blonde girls sitting crossed legged in the front row.   At a young age, I was already aware of “image”.

In January of 1991,  mom and dad came out to visit me in Whistler.   Dad had never said anything to me before about weight or looks.  But I actually remember standing with him at the top of the hill (I was 23) and he made a comment and said, “You look like you have put weight on, even in your legs.”   I have never shared that story until last weekend with some girlfriends.  The reaction was interesting.  It is quite amazing how impactful words can be.  I bet dad would never have thought in a million years that comment would stay with me.

There are many more examples I can give.  I once dated a man and out of the blue he said, “If you ever want to loose weight in your mid section, you will need to diet.”  I actually think I was eating a burger and fries when he said that lol I laugh now but I remember how that made me feel.

Karen, the reason I started thinking about image was because when I watched the video Jenna took at your birthday – the one when Brian and I walked over with the cake – the firs t thing I noticed was my back fat.  I think if I was telling you this live we would be laughing so hard.    I am just being honest.    But I thought, “Omg my back fat is bulging out under my bra.”   At that moment I thought, “I won’t show this video to anyone”.

Over the next few days I watched that video several times.   But I watched it in a very different way.  I watched your face, Brian’s sense of humour, the love felt between us and that is what I was focused on.

Last week, I sat on my yoga mat and cried.  I was overwhelmed with so many different emotions.

My phone was sitting right next to me and I hit the record button.   I captured a very raw moment.    With trepidation I decided to post the video below.

The world is not a connected place right now.  It all feels so unsettled.   All I can do is control how I feel.  Death is around the corner for all of us.  It doesn’t even matter if you are 15, 45 or 70.   So at every stage of your life, live life knowing that tomorrow is promised to no one.

Karen, I thought about you today.  I was driving in my car and that song came on…”I kissed a girl, and I liked it….taste of her cherry chapstick.” It made me laugh because I remember that day, when you could still drive, talk, and sing.  You were determined to learn every word of that song.    We were driving in the car, windows open and you were signing out loud.   I loved that moment.

Tonight I had a quiet night at home, listening to the Dave Matthews album,  “Live at Radio City”.   There is a song on the album called “Sister”.   I listened to it three times and thought of you.

I love you sis,

Kathy xo