Dear Sis,

I wrote a blog the other day, posted it and when I went back to read it, I found myself deleting it.

I was just telling a friend the other day, that I never go back and read my blogs.   I may one day.  But for now, I simply write from my heart and post.  I don’t think too much about it.

So why did I delete it ?

Well, when I read it, I thought, ” Too many emotions all rolled into one.  I am not explaining myself properly.    It’s not making any sense.”  I did a “knee-jerk reaction”.    Afterwards I thought, “That was silly.  Why did I do that? Does my sister really care if my blog does not have a “pattern?” Of course not.  Do I really care what other people think ?  I like to think I don’t.

I tend to live my life with powerful emotions every day.  I love it.  I story tell in my head all the time.   I don’t only look at things anymore but I feel them.

If there is an elderly couple who walks by me, I smile but I also allow myself even for 10 seconds, to feel their age.    I will see a heavy set 10 year old boy on the corner, looking down .  All I want to do is take him under my wing and build up his self esteem.   I notice beautiful flowers.

Often when I am alone, I will look out my window and see the lush vegetation, the ocean and the mountains.  I take it all in.   I truly feel how powerful the Universe is and I will say out loud, ” I am so fucking grateful.”

I often find myself reflecting back to this quote…..

“It’s only when we truly know and understand that we have limited time on earth and that we have no way of knowing when our time is up, we will then begin to live each day to the fullest, as if it was the only one we had.” -Elisabeth Kubler-Ross.

Jenna just finished her last year at Elementary school.  She has been at the same school  since kindergarten.

I have been reflecting a lot this week, as to where we all were 8 years ago.   Her dad and I just started to talk about separating.   We both agreed that it was best to do it when she was still young.  So we did.  It was a difficult time for us as a family.

When Jenna and I moved into our own home, I can still remember her sitting on the couch, looking outside, crying and saying, “I miss the street we lived on.  It was bigger.  And more flat.  All my friends are there.”  I would look over and say, “I know sweetheart.  It is not easy.  But trust me when I say, you will be ok.”  She was 5 years old.

One thing that Kelly and I always did, was stay on the same page.   We never engaged with her in anything that related to the separation and we always did our best to keep a schedule.   We also focused on her.

I love watching her grow into a young lady.   She definitely has self confidence in a gentle way.   She tells me that every wish she makes is for you Karen.  Every coin she tosses into the “wishing well” she wants Samantha and Carter to have their mom back.   She said she thinks about this,  “What if there was a cure,” all the time.

She gets it.

Many years ago, a friend of mine, mother of 4 said to me, “You don’t want your child shining too young.”  I think that is such a true statement.  Not having everything teaches us so much.  Of course I would rather have you well Karen, then to learn a lesson from it.  But your illness has given my daughter a broader perspective on life than others.  But others too have their own experiences to draw upon from.  So one cannot compare themselves to anyone.

This quote is so very true.

“Often people attempt to live their lives backwards: they try to have more things, or more money, in order to do more of what they want so that they will be happier.  The way it actually works is the reverse.  You must first be who you really are, then, do what you need to do, in order to have what you want.”  Margaret Young

All we really need to do is to live our life with no conditions.  Be happy with where you are and with what you have.

So as the elderly people pass me, I look at them and think, “That will be me one day.”

If you are 12, 18, 35, 50 or 65…you are dying everyday.

So simply trust and be happy.

One final note, from the Principal at the school today.  As she addressed the Grade 7 class whom are embarking for High School she said….

“…and please, be kind to all.”

I love you sis,

Kathy xo

ps.  As I was driving home the other day, there was an ambulance and fire truck at a house, along a single lane road.    We all had to slow down to 10km.  There was a group of 4 fireman all standing on the road.  As Jenna and I drove past I was staring at the men.    They were ALL so damn good looking 🙂  As we drove past we all had eye contact.  I started to giggle.  Suddenly, I said out loud,” Well helloooooo fireman.”   Jenna reaction was so funny.   She said, “OMG mama that is so disgusting!!!  Yuck.”  I don’t think she has ever seen me flirt before.    That was fun lol love you sis xo HI JP 🙂