Dear sis,

I just returned from a 3 day conference in Whistler.    Pre me leaving on Sunday, I was fortunate to see Kerri on the Saturday night in North Vancouver.    We had beer and potato skins at a brew pub in the Village in West Van, shopped in some great stores, had an amazing dinner with such great atmosphere at the Earls along the seawall and we ended our evening, just the two of us, playing a very bad game of pool in her home, laughing so hard while drinking a beautiful bottle of red wine.  We called it our perfect day.

Post conferences, I always return feeling deflated.  My plan was to go for a walk/run.   But I am exhausted so I decided I am going to sit my ass down and write you.

Why does one always feel so guilty to simply sit down and relax ?  A thought came back into my mind tonight that I recall reading years ago.  There is a flawed premise that people think the more you do the more you are worth.  When in fact, it is the better you feel the more you allow.

Now, it is easy for me to admit that I am not feeling that great.   I have dozens of e-mails in my inbox that need my attention.    I brought all my work out gear to the hotel but I did not do one single bit of exercise when I was there.   At 1:00am, I  was part of “that group”, asked to leave the fire pit, as the lounge was closing.  Very limited sleep.    I  had a BC burger (cheese and bacon) and fries (with mayo on the side) on the ferry coming home this afternoon.  Awww sis,  I know how much you love food.  I wish we could be sitting in your kitchen like we always did, eating your amazing dips/apps and dessert squares that you would always make.

It is so not fair that you cannot eat food anymore 🙁

So yes, I feel like crap.  But I also know that I am dedicated to myself, to get “me” back on track tomorrow.   Only I can make sure that I feel ok.    It is no one’s else’s responsibility.

So yes writing to you is therapeutic for me Karen.  I think of your situation all the time.   What happened to you can happen to any single one of us.  I remember sitting in your kitchen – it was years after you were  diagnosed with MSA – you said, “I am scared.  I am scared to think of what the hell is going to happen to my body.”  At that time, I could not even wrap my brain around it.   I actually, still don’t think I can ever fully relate.     Can one truly understand what you are going through unless they were personally given a death sentence ?  Not sure.  But I don’t think one really can.

Whistler was a great time.  I found myself very comfortable with “me”. I am not referring to the networking / business side (that I have always been comfortable with) but the evening events.   The “bar” hang outs.   The hospitality suites.   The late night fire pits.  I recall when I first started going to some of these events, I was still not 100% comfortable with being single.

It was a very nice group of people – all Healthcare Retirement related – owners, Directors, Corporate Chef’s  –  say 500 or so ish and many I have seen over the years.  There are lots of good looking men who attend.     I am always respectful, it is a work event and I am at a stage now where I am simply not looking.  There, that is it.  That is the difference with my energy.

What was also fun was that I got to share my room with one of my work besties.    As we were getting ready she kept saying to me, “You need to wear your hair down.  Why are you always wearing it tied back.  I am going to curl your hair.  We are going to make you look like you have that, “I just got fucked” look.  She said,  “Tonight, I am going to help you find you a man.” lol I was laughing so hard and at the same time saying, “I don’t want a man tonight!!”  It was really all in good fun.

I think another shift came for me when I dated a man in the Spring.  Someone a friend set me up with.   He is such a kind person.   But there was no instant physical attraction for me.  BUT my girlfriends kept saying, “You need to give it a try.”   So I did.

Dating seemed odd for me.     I recall the first dinner date, the waitress asking him if he wanted a 6 or 9oz glass of wine.  He responded 6.   I started thinking in my head, “6oz…who the hell asks for a 6oz glass of wine on a Friday night ?!  Red flag.”    I felt like I was on a Seinfeld Episode.  I was laughing on the inside.   Not at him my goodness, but at the situation.

I also started asking myself the questions….”Am I ready to give up “me” right now?   If I end up with this man, my life is going to change.”    I soon realized he was not right for me.   Because if he was, I would not have the doubt and questions I was having.    I am so grateful that I recognized the road I was headed down.   I was listening to outside chatter of friends –  you need to try, you are too picky, don’t forget not everyone is perfect –  and not asking within.    As soon as I did, it was instantly clear.

I am so very grateful for all my experiences.    Even at the Conference I talked to many men.   I learn so much.   Without crossing any lines.

When I returned home earlier this evening,  I read an article that a friend sent to me.    I loved the article.  I will place link below.   It is called, “Women Who Remain Single For Large Periods Of Time End Up The Happiest.”   It is all related to being able to spend a night on your own and not feel lonely.  Eating in a restaurant alone and not feeling awkward or uncomfortable.    Taking time to focus on you, and not chasing love but finding out what your passion is and chasing after that.   I felt all good inside reading this article because I now recognize every single emotion.   I have taken the last 8 years to myself.  Years I never knew I needed.

An hour ago, I opened my fridge and saw a large container of homemade butternut squash soup that a girlfriend made for me.   She is staying with me temporarily, till she finds a home.      She is leaving a community she has lived in for many years because she needs a change.     She has left her marriage, had the courage to sell their home, quit her job and  now at 47 she is about to reinvent herself.

My friend is about to ask herself some very hard questions.   She is doing the work.  So many don’t because it is easier to simply exist.  I love that she has found the courage.

Karen, I do have a scheduled phone date tonight with Samantha.  I am looking forward to talking to her.  I will call you in a couple of days with an update.  Plus I am trying to chat with Carter now every week.   I am feeling that he is needing some special love these days. “Mama’s boy” we always called him.    You have such good kids.   They love you so much.

I also received such a nice comment from Steve, a friend you went to high school with.     It put such a big smile on my face to tell you this.  It was posted on last blog but I will post it down below as I don’t want you to miss it.      I know you will love this because I know how important it is for you to stay connected.

You have so many wonderful friends and people who love you.

I love you sis,

Kathy xo

ps.   I am placing two pics of me below so you can see my new wild look on the left.   The “Watch out hair is down/wild look” 🙂   The other top I wore to the reception the first night.   I was telling my roommate/friend that I never wear low cut tops to work events.   But she said, “Yes you need to.  Express yourself a little.”  lol I said, “Ok I actually will.  What the hell.  They seem more perky since menopause.” 🙂  The last picture is just a fun pic. We had a cooking competition that only some of the delegates took part in.  Our team rocked it.

I hope you enjoy the note below from Steve.  It is really cute how JP gets jealous when all these men come back into your life.

I also attached the article for my many single girlfriends to read.  Stay strong.  Do what is needed to find your way.    Life is supposed to be fun 🙂  BE HAPPY xo

 

 

Women Who Remain Single For Large Periods Of Time End Up The Happiest